Friday, January 06, 2006

posted by David - 9:31 PM

So, James gives me a call today about doing a blurb for the opening week of the NFL playoffs. The dialogue went somewhat as follows.

James: "You know Dave, I haven't been writing anything for my own blog lately. I think that it may have something to do with the fact that I'm lazy... or baseball season's over... or 'insert lame excuse here'."

Dave: "I see."

James: "Well, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind doing a blurb for the opening of the playoffs. I figured that Chrispy or I could do it... but things would end up a little biased with our love for the Seahawks and Bears, respectively. So I figured you could do something neutral and funny."

Dave: "Sure. I just have one question. Who's playing?"

James: "See, off with the funny already. Thanks for the help."

Thusly are you poor people subjected to a WoS entry for the opening round of the NFL playoffs. I guess since Chris is a Seahawks Supporter to the core, and James is a Bear Backer through and through... it falls to me to take care of Wildcard Weekend to cover the games they don't really care about.

I figured since I've either been busy working overtime or dying in a sickbed... the least I can do is comment on the matchups this weekend.

Game 1: Washington (10-6) at Tampa Bay (11-5)
-The number in parenthesis represent the hours their offices are open EST to take phone calls.-

Both teams emphasized defense down the stretch. Tampa bay going with the "I'm washing my hair" defense, and Washington with "I have to work". Everyone knows washing ones hair is a woman's ultimate defense. It's both a blatant call of buzz off, AND a legitimate excuse. Well... the former anyway.

The last time these teams met it was a wild west shootout as their defensive squads got lost in the airport security luggage check...and then wound up in Tahiti. I'm thinking playing at Raymond James stadium might give the Buccaneers the advantage...but Washington can counter with the motivation of NOT going back to... well... Washington, the District that is.

Dave's Prediction: Tampa Bay 24-21

Game 2: Jacksonville (12-4) at New England (10-6)
This game is going to be played in Foxborough, which is a might bit north of Jacksonville. The Jaguars have played a light schedule this year, still having to come from behind many times to win their games. (I'm avoiding the doggie style comment as they are felines.) The Patriots still managed to get into the playoffs despite a rocky start filled with numerous injuries.

The bookies are favoring the Patriots in this matchup. I think if I wanted to watch the wallet, I would too. I think Jacksonville will surprise some people by actually showing up... and mabye even showing some people how to play football. Their road record is impressive...and they ARE the last team to beat the Pats in a playoff game. I'm going out on a limb here and saying the Jaguars by one on a last minute touchdown to Smith.

Dave's Prediction: Jacksonville 28-27

Game 3: Carolina (11-5) at New Yawk (11-5)
New York has a strong winning streak at home. Not that I'm saying there is anything shady going on in New Yawk, but they did acquire Plaxico Burress this year, and I've heard things. (If Burresss sicks his mafia thugs on this post... well, you won't really know will you?) But there *IS* a lot of coastline around there. And no one in the city itself would really notice or care if 'Bruno' took an uncooperative ref 'fo a wauk on da coast'.

Long storym short... The Panthers have a slightly-stronger team, but the Giants are surging at the moment. I think Plaxico is going ta guarantee da win in dis game. Capiche? joo understand when Plaxico axes you da questions right?

All kidding aside, mostly it goes down to home field, and the Giants NOT coughing the ball up 5 times in da rematch. (You ain't callin' THAT a fumble is ya ref?')

Dave's Prediction: New York 31-21

Game 4: Pittsburgh (11-5) at Cincinnati (11-5)
Dis matchup... er... *Cough* Sorry. This matchup pits the Steelers, who've been on a good run the last few years, against the Bungles, who haven't. However, Cincy had a strong start at the beginning of this season. I think some people reminisced about the days of Icky and Boomer. (No... those names aren't from a UPN sit-com.) But as the season began to run on, the Bengals started showing their version of Seahawkitis (ed. note: If I could link to that fabulous post, I would. But maybe if you google it, I doubt anybody else came up with Seahawkitis.), which is to say that the Bungles started taking their place.

Now, if the Bengals actually show up, they're going to win. Right now though, it looks to be the Steelers and the Bungles. If that's the case, Rothlser...makeme a burger? will lead the yellow and black to victory. The fact the game is taking place in Cincinnati will just help the Bungles lose less badly. If things go as predicted, the Stillahs will win 35-10. If the Bengals show up, the score will be more like 21-24. I can't wait to sleep through this one when my meds kick in. WooT. Sometimes being sick is Bonus Time!

Dave's Prediction: Vicodin, baby.

If you have any problems with the scientific nature of this playoff preview... then you're probably an intelligent person that just lost 8 IQ points just by getting to this point. For those of you who know me, remember, all characters portrayed in this Blog are purely ficticious and NO I DON'T HAVE THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSTENT OF THE NFL.

Either way... this is a Waste of Space.

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